“Jay look what Mom got me,” said Marlo.
These distinct words were the beginning to my love affair with skateboarding. What my sister first started before me that day, was skateboarding, and as always I started soon there after.
“In first place winner of the 15-18 age group we have Jay Goldstein.”
These distinct words were greatly appreciated for all the sweat and time I put into not only that competition, but also skateboarding. And sure enough out in the crowd was my sister Marlo, the person who showed me the way. Even though she didn’t have the honor of winning the contest I still in a way looked up to her for all she had done and still does.
An average day at the skate park in the summer would probably span from 12:30 until most of the time whenever the sun went down. There was no game clock, no coach yelling in my ear, no crowd screaming, there was just me.
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There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of flow in this narrative. The first page seems like its own paper, not connecting to the second page. In the middle of the first page you say you are officially a hero. That seems like the sort of thing you'd end a paper with, not something you'd just stick right in the middle of the paper.
ReplyDeleteThe part in paragraph two where you go "Skateboarding was the first sport I played where whistles weren’t blowing, coaches weren’t yelling, and most of all there was no one to let down other than myself." is very good, however you seem to repeat it again at the end of page two. Either get rid of one of those parts or make the idea of skateboarding being an individual sport a reoccurring motif throughout the paper.
In page two where you use the phrase "these distinct words" multiple times is a good way of tying together different sections. I recommend using that again throughout the paper.
Also, I know this is your problem and not mine, but this paper is riddled with grammatical errors. Please fix them brcause they take away from the paper.
I agree with Christie, I think that it doesn't flow very well. It seems choppy. Try typing like you talk, bring humor into it
ReplyDeleteYeah I't a little choppy, but it's got some really good ideas I think that you should just add some transitions and relax. It should be less formal, like what Blair said, type like you talk.
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