Jay Goldstein
Creative Writing
Oetter P3
9/29/09
The Prank
The Highland Park skate park also known by its formal name as Sunset Food’s Skate Park has always been a place where pranks come to reality and this place is my home away form home. When my sister who likes to think she skateboards decided to spend one of her days back at home from college for the weekend at the skate park she was the next person in line for surprise.
My sister, Marlo, is a extremely smart individual, but her school smarts could not have helped her against this prank, common sense could have. When my sister decided to grab some lunch at Sunset Foods, less than 100 yards away, she asked to borrow a fellow skateboarders bike (race style bike, expensive).
The prank only entered my head minutes after my sister left for Sunset Foods. I may have been the brains behind the operation, but I did have associates to complete the mission, friends Ian and Noah. The plan was to go get the bike from the grocery store and bring it back to the skate park without my sisters knowledge, making her think the bike was stolen.
Part I The Steal) Ian and Noah ride their skateboards over to Sunset Foods and retrieve the bike. A few minutes after Ian and Noah had left for the bike I realized that Luke, owner of bike, had given Marlo a lock. I made the phone call to Ian and Noah to disclose the combination to them, but while waiting for Ian to pickup I witnessed the two riding the bike into the park, both of them squeezed on the bike. Now Marlo is smart, but this was to hard for her, my sister had locked the bike up, but the frame was exposed and Ian and Noah only had to loop the lock around and the bike was free.
Part II The Bluff) Ian, Noah, Luke, and I knew that my sister would call us right away after she realized that the bike was missing. Within five minutes of Ian and Noah taking the bike my sister called Luke’s cell phone. She right away suspected that we were playing a prank on her, but with Luke going along with the plan he told her that his bike wasn’t at the skate park, when indeed it was.
Part III The Thief) My plan went into its next mission setting Marlo up to catch the thief. Our friend Dylan agreed to dress up in baggy clothes and ride Luke’s bike around the grocery store parking lot.
Part IV The Conclusion) Dylan arrived back at the park to tell us that while riding the bike around he was followed by a cop in the parking lot. We all began to worry now that maybe Marlo had called the police. Right as these thoughts rushed through our heads Marlo came walking down the hill to the skate park. To my surprise Marlo found the prank rather funny considering at least we got to the bike before someone who really wanted to steal it did.
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First off, the grammar is positively awful. There are run-on sentences everywhere and you are in dire need of commas. You really should proofread for grammar.
ReplyDeleteBut that's beside the point, onto the story itself. It is a rather amusing story. I suggest revealing your emotions during the story (were you scared when you thought the cops were coming after you?) And maybe you could show, not tell (how did you know Marlo thought the prank was funny?)
The final thing is that this story doesn't really seem to reveal anything about yourself. This is supposed to be the story of your life in 400 words. I don't really see anything revealed about yourself in this story, except maybe a sense of humor. Think about an important aspect of yourself and try to reveal it with the story.
Please watch your grammar. It's very distracting and makes it extremely hard to read.
ReplyDeleteI think your idea is nice. I don't really think that we get any kind of insight into what you thought or felt throughout the incident, however. One think that I really liked was when you said (race style bike, expensive). I think that's your best moment, honestly.
I think the sections could be separated a little better as well. Maybe you could make the first section "Prologue-the prank" and talk about pulling pranks at the skate park, and then go on to the specific one with your sister.
I'm not really sure what you're trying to get at with the story. I think you need a clearer claim, or thesis.
Good luck!
Wow, I think this was a really good essay! I was pulled in immediately and curious to know how everything was going to end. I thought that is was great and that you told us a lot about yourself. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeletejay this is a good idea but i dont think it explains your life story. i see what you are trying to do but for right now it didnt work.
ReplyDelete